Workin' 9-5

Kind of in limbo now.

Off the back of my doc's ever so helpful non-recommendation Im left pondering my options.

Theyre pretty limited:

1. Grin and bear it
2. Talk to HR at my work and come up with a plan that allows me to transition and live as a woman at work even without HRT or surgery.
3. Attempt to fund my own counselling privately. At £230 per hour itd be hard going!
4. Self medicate with herbal hormone suppliments.
5. Thats about it.

1. ill go insane before 8 months are over
2. Terrifying. Since Ill have to come out to at least 2 other people to even talk about a plan. One of whom is a complete stranger.
3. Tough. Especially with bills and rent to pay. Anyone want to buy a kidney?
4. This is the pitfall. I know about the dangers of self medication. Its never a smart move. Desparation makes you do stupid things and itll be my test of willpower to avoid going down this road.

I think it may be time to talk to someone at work I trust. My employer has been rated pretty highly by Stonewall [LGBT organisation] so Ive got it easier than some in that respect...

....

Plus ive been to work dressed entirely in girls clothes before ;-P Not that you'd know it to look at me.

Skinny jeans
Long sleeve top with a girls cut Tshirt on top.
Girls skate shoes [Im lucky enough to be a 6.5 UK shoe size, so i can get womens shoes to fit me! ^_^]

what I wear under that Ill leave to your imagination. Or nightmares.

Your pick.

Lucy x

Doctors...

I HATE my doctor.

I should probably justify that.

I went to my regular  doctor a number of years ago for a recurring problem. The first time he saw me, he said "that might need surgery."

I had a consultation booked and was shipped off to the hospital. however, waiting times being what they are, by the time the consult rolled around the problem had subsided. the consultant told me if it recurred it meant a definite surgery, susbsidence or no.

A year or so later, it comes back and I duly go to the docs to ask for a referral to the hospital again.

"Hmm," says he. "Have some anti-biotics"
And that was it.
He might as well have added "and dont let the door hit you on the way out. Cause I dont want ass prints on my clean door!"

So between that and another incident or 2 of a similar nature, thats where my hatred of my GP comes from.

So as much as I dislike my GP, I went to see him today. The process for transitioning from one gender to another is long enough, I wanted to lay as much groundwork in place as possible.
- How does a therapy session go?
-How do you even introduce a situation like mine?
       'Hey doc, how you enjoying being a man? I'll be honest its not blowing my skirt up'
       'So...... Im a girl'
- Can a non-specialist help me with how being trans makes me feel, rather than the trans feelings themselves?

see how clear i made all that? Yeah. I need help.

The doc calls me into his office and I take a seat. I decide to just bite the bullet and tell him...
 "Ive referred myself to [insert name of Gender Identity Clinic here] I wanted to talk to you as well to see if it would help if I talked to anyone else beforehand... Ya know... professionally."
.....
.....
.....
*tumbleweed*
.....
.....
After the worlds most uncomfortable silence he proceeds to question me using the most cliched terms, inappropriate questions and cold manner. Then ended it by telling me to basically suck it up and wait 8 months to see the GIC.
Seems you've missed my point there doc. Im not trying to skip the queue. i know the GIC is a small team; Im asking would someone not from that team help me with my feelings outwith the dysphoria.
 I may as well have been talking to her:

Well. That seemed to be that. Pushing the anger down, I wanted to at least be civil.

"Also, doctor, Ill be moving to [insert town name here] shortly, so Ill be changing GPs. I just wanted to say thanks for all the 'help' over the years"
Needless to say i didnt intone the sarcastic commas. No point being civil if you're also going to be an arse about it.

Without even deigning to look up from his desk he flips back "thats fine..."

With that I walked out feeling about 3" tall. So thats it. Hunker down and prepare for the long haul. Pray for a cancellation at the GIC, nothing more till then.

By the time I caught the bus to work, I was good and mad again. I wanted to go back and rant at the doc, with much pulling of beards!

Its not my fault if you hate your job!

Ugh!

So now someone knows outside of the tiny group of people I actually want to know. Someone I thought might actually be able to help me.

Ugh.

I feel dirty.

Im going for a shower.

History

Ive felt different for quite some time. Its hard to tell you exactly how long, because its been getting stronger as time goes on. At what point did I notice it? Dunno.

But its only in the last couple of years Ive accepted that its not a phase, and begun to steel myself for what comes ahead; for what im going to need to do.

So far, 3 people in the real, face-to-face world know about the real me. My 3 closest friends in this life, each sworn to secrecy, but each supportive of me, despite their own misgivings. I know they just have my best interests at heart, but its difficult to convince them of what I am considering Ive only just accepted it myself.
"Have you thought it through?"
Fairly thoroughly! Its not the kind of decision you come to over night.
"Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
I'd love to! But theres a bit of a wait.
"Are you sure?"
About what I am? Yes. About where to go from here? No. Thats what the shrink is for!

I try telling them that right now my life is like.... its like you're into metal. but you wander in to the middle of a Justin Beiber gig. You think to yourself '99.99% of the people here seem to be having a whale of a time, but I just feel so uncomfortable. I need out!'

So the medical side of things. in the UK the system is fairly confusing and arduous. After telling a healthcare professional that you dont feel comfortable [comfortable seems to mild a word, but itll suffice for now] in your birth gender, you need to wait 8+ months to see someone with expertise in the matter. That comes as a shock, i can tell you. I've met women online that have seen a specialised Gender Therapist [GT] within a month of deciding they want to see one. The effects of hormonal treatments tend to drop off with age and im already in my mid 20s.

This is kind of a double edge sword.

On the one hand, Im so torn up that its more than likely going to be a surgical option that brings my appearance more in line with my persona, ranther than hormones alone.

But on the other, I kind of dont care.

If I need to go under the knife to become who I am, so be it. If I have to be a fairly manly woman for a year or 2 till I get a place on the surgery list, so be it. Anything is better than walking down the street every day, feeling jealous of every woman you see.

Ive decided to keep this blog as a way of communicating, fairly anonymously, with the world at large as I go through the trials and tribulations, the highs and lows of the next few years.

I am not right.

I was born with the body of a male, and the mind of a female. Ive lived this way for 25 years so far and im at the point where I cant take the dysphoria any more.

I need to do something.

Since I cant change my mind [oh how Ive tried] I need to change my body.

Not an easy task....