History

Ive felt different for quite some time. Its hard to tell you exactly how long, because its been getting stronger as time goes on. At what point did I notice it? Dunno.

But its only in the last couple of years Ive accepted that its not a phase, and begun to steel myself for what comes ahead; for what im going to need to do.

So far, 3 people in the real, face-to-face world know about the real me. My 3 closest friends in this life, each sworn to secrecy, but each supportive of me, despite their own misgivings. I know they just have my best interests at heart, but its difficult to convince them of what I am considering Ive only just accepted it myself.
"Have you thought it through?"
Fairly thoroughly! Its not the kind of decision you come to over night.
"Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
I'd love to! But theres a bit of a wait.
"Are you sure?"
About what I am? Yes. About where to go from here? No. Thats what the shrink is for!

I try telling them that right now my life is like.... its like you're into metal. but you wander in to the middle of a Justin Beiber gig. You think to yourself '99.99% of the people here seem to be having a whale of a time, but I just feel so uncomfortable. I need out!'

So the medical side of things. in the UK the system is fairly confusing and arduous. After telling a healthcare professional that you dont feel comfortable [comfortable seems to mild a word, but itll suffice for now] in your birth gender, you need to wait 8+ months to see someone with expertise in the matter. That comes as a shock, i can tell you. I've met women online that have seen a specialised Gender Therapist [GT] within a month of deciding they want to see one. The effects of hormonal treatments tend to drop off with age and im already in my mid 20s.

This is kind of a double edge sword.

On the one hand, Im so torn up that its more than likely going to be a surgical option that brings my appearance more in line with my persona, ranther than hormones alone.

But on the other, I kind of dont care.

If I need to go under the knife to become who I am, so be it. If I have to be a fairly manly woman for a year or 2 till I get a place on the surgery list, so be it. Anything is better than walking down the street every day, feeling jealous of every woman you see.